I am a victim.Someone who returns to their abuser and refuses to heal. They walk around abused and broken thinking what life would be like if this or that didn’t happen to me. If only justice would come one day. Meanwhile, the abuser continues to abuse and persuade others with their good looks and smooth speech.

Victims stand there and let it happen. They keep this wound open and refuse to find healing. It defines their life and nothing else. While I know what happened was wrong I am left with one questions

what now?

How can I even think of moving on and taking steps to receive healing and forgive.
I want to be a survivor.

I want to move past this stage of open wounds but what does that even look like. I am tired of being defined as a victim. The abuse will no longer be the story I portray. I am branded with a wound that will no longer be my defining mark. I will be the survivor. I will heal and will move on.These abusers can no longer control my actions and with this comes freedom.

My story is new and full of freedom. A freedom that is intoxicating and asks me to take the plunge and move on. Step out of my comfort zone of hurt and taste freedom.I am letting go and forgiving choosing a love that binds the broken. A love that transforms victims into survivors.

I am a survivor.

I ask that you may once again read this with an open mind. I really do not mean to be accusatory with this letter but I want to challenge past generations. I believe my generation has to take responsibility for our actions but I would like to present the possibility of a partnership.

I once again humbly present you with this letter because it needs to be said:

I want your expectations. I want you to see me as someone with something to offer.
I despise your surprise when you hear that I am actually doing something.
I loathe that floored look you get when you discover the things God has allowed me to do.
I want you to look past my young appearance and ask me what I am doing to change the world. Call me to a higher calling.

I need you to ask me for help and give me projects. Take the time to teach me as well as give me the respect that is required when loving each other.

Stop treating me like a kid please please.

Show me your ways, I don’t claim to know it all. I am asking you to expect more from me. I need someone to expect something from me.
Don’t let us slip through the cracks with nothing but a muttered breath, “kids these days”.
Don’t let us quit when the going gets tough.
Be there to show us a little tough love.

I yearn for the challenge.
I demand someone willing to push me to my full potential. Someone who desires a bright future and is not afraid to get dirty in the process. Please stop telling me how evident evil is trust me I know. Tell me that you hold me to a high standard and will not let me justify succumbing to worldly addiction and be there to pick us up when we fall.

We (my generation) need people to step up.
Give us something to live up to and stop worrying about overwhelming us. We need you to break through our calloused hearts. Don’t nag us but call us to something better. Allow your voice to be the one who breaks the barrier. The voice that will not let us hide behind our cheep Halloween masks but loves us enough to not take no for an answer. You will not let us slip into the unknown unnoticed. We are desperately waiting for someone to notice.
We want someone to call us out.

What we are asking for:

Give us the respect we may not always give you and allow us to earn your trust.
Be the one to melt our hearts encased in calloused ice and allow us it to truly beat with compassion for others.
It is a tough job description but someone has got to do it.

Who will rise to the occasion?

I ask befor you read this you may bare with me. These are solely thoughts. I am not claiming that everyone in my generation is like this. In fact i know of some great people who are truly doing what God has called them to do which is awesome. I am not trying to be a negative Nancy here but merely stating some things I have seen in my generation and in myself.

A letter to my generation:

This is it? Your telling me that this is all we got? The generation who has literally everything at its fingertips and this is all we got? We have come up with new addictions, new chains to encase our soul, and this is all we have to offer the future. The best we can do is only show others how to numb the pain and escape reality to shutdown and lose control.

We gravitate towards violence and self harm lashing out at our peers, demeaning, criticizing and doing whatever it takes to feed the addiction.

Wow! The generation who refuses to care, the one who lacks compassion, the one who is to busy trying to suffocate themselves that they turn a blind eye toward others gasping for the very air that surrounds them.

Redemptive violence, our ultimate counselor and peace, our sworn enemy, the generation of insecure, the know it alls, the pot heads…this is it? While love becomes a foreign concept hatred consumes our heart. What has happened to us?

Is this how it is going down? We are the ones who every one despises. The ones who stood by and did nothing.
We feed off acts of injustice and violence, refusing to see these people living with a calloused heart that blinds our eyes. We refuse to see the pain in their eyes, the crap in their life and the hollowness that fills their faces. We live life the cool way right? Drugs in the right hand and condoms in the left. Some life casualties reported just like the score of the cardinals game, but who cares we got plenty more.
There are 6 billion people on the planet and I am sure one will not be missed, they were just an addict…a whore…a faggot…a worthless piece of trash.

NO

Life will not go down like this.
Can we, for one minute, look at someone…I mean really look at them.
Observe their life and see them as a fellow human being rather than the enemy. They are not some glob of skin and bones. Look at them now…what do you see? A slut? A whore? A faggot?
Or a person in excruciating pain just like you.

Honesty is the best policy right? Well here is me being honest…
This trip to Managua, Nicaragua is mas dificil para mi (very hard for me).
When I first came to this lovely place, there was a specific calling. God showed me the social injustice of sex trafficking. He opened my eyes to reality and boy was there a lot of emotions. I knew what must be done and was thankful to see Gods hand in all of it.
But now…
I FEEL NOTHING.
I am very impartial unbiased and dare I say  have a lack of opinion.(for anyone who has met me they know this is pretty odd to say the least)
It is similar to me smoking some pot.
When I first came I was all high on emotions. All the devastation and destruction was a huge kick in the pants. But the pot has now worn off.
I now have adjusted to reality.

When we pass all of these shacks with dust floors I no longer have feelings of sadness, but no feelings at all. I now see a shack so what the next street holds more just like every other city.
This is reality…it is Nicaragua.

The good news: I have compassion for these people. I see a pain that is emotional rather than all physical.
The pot has gone and I now am left with my adjustment to reality and boy is it a scary place to be.

I see people now. They have pain just like every one else but in different ways and this in its self is a whole new playing field.

Have you ever been in this place?

I am currently in Nicaragua as I write this. You can read more about why I am on this trip, what I am working to prevent, and what I am learning here.

I am a gringo. (a white person who attempts the tricky language of Spanish)
Now with this title, I am entitled to uphold the white people name.
This means burning instead of tanning, wearing my tourist fanny packs, and fumbling over the lovely Spanish language!

I bring this up because Gringos have a responsibility to try new things.
For instance, today I fulfilled my Gringo duty today by eating a not so cooked burger. I know I will probably pay for that later, but I fullfilled the duty.

I guess the point I making is this trip is about being open. I am learning to absorb the tradition.

We need to be open. Open to learn and try risky things because in the end the risk may just build relationships.

Today I will have a lot of lasts the American way.

Tomorrow I will be on a plane to go straight to Managua, Nicaragua with my father. For 3 straight weeks (mom is not to happy about that) I will be learning the Nicaraguan way.

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be jealous

Our main purpose is….

to support to people involved in ministry by providing Ministry Care (free counseling to those involved in ministry) to 6 organizations and 3 churches.

We will be volunteering with one organization in particular called House of Hope- they assist sex trafficking victims on the walk to healing. Check them out here

Goals for the trip:

Get a tan

 
Both my father and I would love for you to pray for us as we make this excursion. I hope to blog while on the trip to keep everyone up to date on what is going on….

What are your summer plans?

Life has been immensely chaotic!

So a lot has been happen these last couple of weeks.

I have had tons of different important tests, work, and some other unexpected detours in the road of life but I will have to talk about those soon.

Hew I have just now had the chance to sit down and write this.

Still trying to process everything…. and figure out what is next.

So whats up? How was your April extra rainy? What are your upcoming plans for the summer?

Seattle citizens are paradoxes.

I have no idea why they live in a constant rainy environement. Don’t they feel depressed? I know I probably would. Rain is good, but I enjoy the sun every once in a while.

Why do I bring this up?

Well if Seattle citizens like paradoxes they are really gonna like the Bible because it is chucked full of them.

Jesus says whoever looses his life will find it and whoever tightly holds on to his life will loose it.
that makes no sense.
or you will have suffering but you are gonna be joyful
People are gonna hate your guts, beat you to death, and throw you in jail but you gotta love them. This sounds crazy.
Naturally, our feelings are solely based on our environment. If I am in pain, I will probably not be high fiving people or always smiling.

Nope, most likely, I will be yelling at my dog (I am not an animal abuser)

Here is the paradox though. All of these Christians (Seattle citizens) are happy with the rain/struggles. They were not screaming at their dog, but they are singing in the rain. Happy that God was allowing them to be surrounded by dark billowy clouds. (what are they taking)
because somehow they know that rain/struggles support growth and life.

When we are God’s, our environment is God. not all rain.

There may be some rain through out our life but we are going to focus on the father. We focus on the hope for the future. Our surroundings may still be a little melancholy but God is here showing his love.

We have peace in God while it is raining. Something that astounds people. No matter what our surroundings are we have  stronghold a refuge.

We are steady because God is steady.

Just something I was thinking about. Do you like rainy days?

Personally, I always crack up when I see these poor innocent kids on a leash. It is even better because the parents have gotten even sneakier and make a fun little animal back pack out of these leashes.

Hey Georgie, lets put on our monkey back pack and we can go on a walk!

What kind of parent does that!!

Why do I bring this up? Well cause I now feel the pain of my small little friends all across the world. I feel like I am on a leash with God. I am the little kid who is pulling their parents on their little leash as hard as they can just so they can go to the next step.

Yes God does look like an Asian grandma

My One Word for this year was listen. Listen to God and other people’s stories. It is not going so great.

Basically, I listen to about half of what God wants me to do. Then puuuummmm I am off ready to light this candle. While I am running all happy and go lucky like, God slowly drags behind.

Here comes the jerk!

Bam I am flat on my back thanks to this stupid little back pack that I am wearing. The jerk was something that completely took me off guard.

I feel blind sided.

Slowly I peel myself off the pavement, truck back to God, and listen. Listen with all of my sight wondering if this next step really isn’t my next step.

Apparently, there is much trouble ahead then I thought. I am, definitely, going to learn but this learning will come at an emotional cost. AND for me to do this, I will have to listen every step of the way.

Listening is not my strong suite God we already went over this and this is exactly why God is giving me this. to listen for his will rather than mine.

How are doing on your One Word?
or Do you have a One Word it is not to late to join. You can learn more about this here.

Yep I had an epiphany in the shower the other day.

A question had been haunting me for somewhere around 6 months. It sucked. I wondered why God would allow me to be hurt by some people who claimed to be Christians, yet these same people would refuse to admit that they had hurt me.

They refused to say I am sorry.

Some may think, “Well just move on it is hurting them more than it hurts you,” but in this case, it tore me up. How was it fair to have someone hurt me then refuse to even see that they are in the wrong? By refusing to do this, it conveyed the message that something was wrong with me. It was my fault that I felt like this and continued to be angry because of it.

Lies

I know this was not my fault. I know that this was not my fault that I had these feelings. I refused to believe that because I could not move on it was obviously my problem rather than theirs.

This was where I was stuck. Frustration and bitterness continued to snowball. Confusion was a big part of my day. I was frustrated with God. How could he allow his people to hurt me? Why didn’t he stand up for me? Am I not his child too?!!

Then I had my shower epiphany. (wow I sure hope I am spelling this right)

I have every single right to be upset and angry with these people. I can choose to be upset with them for the rest of my life. BUT because God asks me to love myself and them i have to let this go.

God asks me to surrender that right to be upset and exchange it for his love. As a Christ follower, I must let go of this frustration and right to hurt in order to love.

Jesus was the first example of this. Think of the priests who were supposed to be representing his father. They crucified him.

He had every right to be angry, but love is louder! He chose to surrender that right and love. Love these people who kicked him in the face.

I am in the process…. the process of surrendering that right and choosing to love the abusers.

And let me tell you that is a  hard pill to swallow.